A couple of days ago would have been my son, Anders' fifth birthday. I can't ever get over that he's not here. A huge chunk of all our lives is missing. I see my son Leif talking to Elsa, trying to give her a doll & it hurts to think someone should have been doing that for him, but Leif never got to meet Anders. A whole part of their lives does not exist. Now, we can only make the best with the new lives we have, but it is never that easy to go on without him. When someone dies so young, we always want to believe they were going to be so happy, perfect & the best of everything. We just want to give them the chance in our minds, that they never had in their short lives. It seems like yesterday, but a lifetime ago. To never know
He didn't have a disability, but this made me think of him, in a way. It is hard to compare exactly. Of those moments that I will never have & I won't be understood by all those going to "Italy" because I have no idea what "Italy" is.
A Trip To Holland by Emily Perl Kingsley
I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability – to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel.It’s like this…… When you’re going to have a baby, it’s like planning a fabulous vacation trip – to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It’s all very exciting. After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go.Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, “Welcome to Holland.”“Holland?!?” you say. “What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I’m supposed to be in Italy. All my life, I’ve dreamed of going to Italy.”But there’s been a change in the flight plan. They’ve landed in Holland, and there you must stay.The important thing is that they have NOT taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It’s just a different place.So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met. It’s just a different place.It’s slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy.But after you’ve been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around…. and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills….and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy… and they’re all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say “Yes, that’s where I was supposed to go. That’s what I had planned.” And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away… because the loss of that dream is a very, very significant loss.But… if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things … about Holland.
When a parent dies, you lose your past; when a child dies, you lose your future. - Anonymous
A wife who loses a husband is called a widow. A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A child who loses his parents is called an orphan. But...there is no word for a parent who loses a child, that's how awful the loss is! - Neugeboren 1976
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Millions of updates
Obviously I've missed a little. Wow, over a year ago.
Well, my little boy climbed some furniture in April, knocking it over onto himself. I was in a sudden panic hearing a noise & turning to see this huge furniture on top of my tiny little one, five months pregnant & in an instant the furniture was tossed into a corner. I am not easily disturbed by stressful situations, but the safety of my children just blow threw those defenses. I rushed him to a local pediatric emergency unit, which revealed only a small break in his leg. He received a splint & didn't even need a follow-up appointment, about a week to a week and a half later he pulled it off & walked fine. I couldn't believe it, it seemed too easy. Just so lucky. A few weeks after he did it I saw in the paper that a child in a nearby town did the same thing, but wasn't quite so lucky & was kept on life support until there was no hope of survival. :( Right at the point I was high-risk for premature labour. Somehow we all were lucky & everyone is healthy now.
In September, three days after my due date, I gave birth to a pretty blue-eyed little girl!! :) I thought FOR SURE she would come in August... & I thought she tried a few times, but it didn't keep going. Then one day as I was cleaning her room, I kinda thought my water suddenly leaked, then five minutes later a contraction started, five minutes after that my body was suddenly trying to push. Luckily, my neighbour friend had just retired & told me that morning to call her to watch my son when I needed, since I had no one for this & didn't know what to do with him. Also, that my husband had taken off of work since I was going overdue, there was no question that baby would come soon, naturally or not. I don't know how it would have turned out had these two things not been in order. I could barely get out of the house without my body demanding the baby out!! :) Yeah, I was on the verge of panic all the way to the hospital, I thought for sure I was going to have her in the car on the thruway. Just the day before I was sent for extra examination because my doctor thought she felt the umbilical cord in front of the head, but they found everything to be okay... so all the way to the hospital, I am thinking, 'They were 100% positive, RIGHT! Because if I have her in the car, I won't know if she's okay or not!!' That's what was making me the most scared & nervous, not the actual childbirth. It took about 45 minutes to get to the hospital, usually they make you go through the whole triage department first, but they asked me if I felt like pushing &, um, yes (I had called them from my mobile phone on the way and told them). They threw me in the first room, I felt like I had just laid down & ... they handed her to me, less than ten minutes after I had gotten there, less then one hour from my water breaking at home.... wheeww!! She was very healthy, high Apgar scores. It seemed a miracle that I experienced NO premature labour issues with her. They sent me for extra tests here and there, but everything always came back normal. I had issues with both my other children, but I say she's my first girl, & you know girls are always so well-behaved! :) ... sometimes. She deserves it thought, because at six weeks old she developed colic & screamed from sun up to sun down for over a week. When she started to grow out of it, but still scream/cry occasionally, usually from tiredness, people would always comment.. wow, that doesn't seem to bother you? Huh, oh, this is NOTHING!! Now, she's all smiles!
Since the very momentous occasion of a baby, there has been my son's second birthday (trains galore!!), Halloween & Christmas. They say there are only two holidays that children anticipate so eagerly... Halloween & Christmas. The other countries that do not celebrate... should. Some friends in Iceland, I ask their boy if he will celebrate, 'Maybe,' he says, with question? :) Not only do the children delight in costumes & candy, but us adults. There are just as many adults & especially the elderly out just to see the children, than there are children running by. My son LOVED that almost all the houses let you pick your own piece of candy from the bowl. One house, I think we spent almost ten minutes there or more. He would pick up a piece, look it over, put it back...for each kind, and the man had a few candies!! The man got a big chuckle out of this & with a big grin, patiently let him examine each kind until he was satisfied with his choice. Although I had a hard time getting him to put it in his candy bag for the next house!!
With the new year of 2012, my resolution is cliche, lose weight & get healthier. As a defense, I had a baby, but I am so ready to be normal again. I did not mean that my whole family get sick from one end of the house to the other!!! Yet, this is how we start the new year, with a stomach flu. My poor son was vomiting for hours in the wee hours of the morning. He is so exhausted, and one bout of sickness passes, he lays his head down & looks to me & with a half smile starts reciting a scene from one of his favourite movies, waiting for me to fill in my parts. He never lost his sense of humor, this child. Which is a thing to treasure, as he was the one to be the worse sick & the longest. Once feeling better, he got his head stuck in his shirt trying to take it off & accidentally flung himself down to the hard floor.... very hard. The next day he was suddenly sick again & not eating or drinking. Ahhh, this boy never catches a break!! I finally got some sips into him & yesterday realized he's teething his molars now! It's never one thing at a time, but fifty. My little Elsa was only sick for one evening, but so young, I almost had to take her to the pediatric emergency unit for dehydration, but came around eating at the end, just in time. As everyone is saying... 'oh, this is just the beginning, you'll be doing this for say... 18 to forever years!'
Well, my little boy climbed some furniture in April, knocking it over onto himself. I was in a sudden panic hearing a noise & turning to see this huge furniture on top of my tiny little one, five months pregnant & in an instant the furniture was tossed into a corner. I am not easily disturbed by stressful situations, but the safety of my children just blow threw those defenses. I rushed him to a local pediatric emergency unit, which revealed only a small break in his leg. He received a splint & didn't even need a follow-up appointment, about a week to a week and a half later he pulled it off & walked fine. I couldn't believe it, it seemed too easy. Just so lucky. A few weeks after he did it I saw in the paper that a child in a nearby town did the same thing, but wasn't quite so lucky & was kept on life support until there was no hope of survival. :( Right at the point I was high-risk for premature labour. Somehow we all were lucky & everyone is healthy now.
In September, three days after my due date, I gave birth to a pretty blue-eyed little girl!! :) I thought FOR SURE she would come in August... & I thought she tried a few times, but it didn't keep going. Then one day as I was cleaning her room, I kinda thought my water suddenly leaked, then five minutes later a contraction started, five minutes after that my body was suddenly trying to push. Luckily, my neighbour friend had just retired & told me that morning to call her to watch my son when I needed, since I had no one for this & didn't know what to do with him. Also, that my husband had taken off of work since I was going overdue, there was no question that baby would come soon, naturally or not. I don't know how it would have turned out had these two things not been in order. I could barely get out of the house without my body demanding the baby out!! :) Yeah, I was on the verge of panic all the way to the hospital, I thought for sure I was going to have her in the car on the thruway. Just the day before I was sent for extra examination because my doctor thought she felt the umbilical cord in front of the head, but they found everything to be okay... so all the way to the hospital, I am thinking, 'They were 100% positive, RIGHT! Because if I have her in the car, I won't know if she's okay or not!!' That's what was making me the most scared & nervous, not the actual childbirth. It took about 45 minutes to get to the hospital, usually they make you go through the whole triage department first, but they asked me if I felt like pushing &, um, yes (I had called them from my mobile phone on the way and told them). They threw me in the first room, I felt like I had just laid down & ... they handed her to me, less than ten minutes after I had gotten there, less then one hour from my water breaking at home.... wheeww!! She was very healthy, high Apgar scores. It seemed a miracle that I experienced NO premature labour issues with her. They sent me for extra tests here and there, but everything always came back normal. I had issues with both my other children, but I say she's my first girl, & you know girls are always so well-behaved! :) ... sometimes. She deserves it thought, because at six weeks old she developed colic & screamed from sun up to sun down for over a week. When she started to grow out of it, but still scream/cry occasionally, usually from tiredness, people would always comment.. wow, that doesn't seem to bother you? Huh, oh, this is NOTHING!! Now, she's all smiles!
Since the very momentous occasion of a baby, there has been my son's second birthday (trains galore!!), Halloween & Christmas. They say there are only two holidays that children anticipate so eagerly... Halloween & Christmas. The other countries that do not celebrate... should. Some friends in Iceland, I ask their boy if he will celebrate, 'Maybe,' he says, with question? :) Not only do the children delight in costumes & candy, but us adults. There are just as many adults & especially the elderly out just to see the children, than there are children running by. My son LOVED that almost all the houses let you pick your own piece of candy from the bowl. One house, I think we spent almost ten minutes there or more. He would pick up a piece, look it over, put it back...for each kind, and the man had a few candies!! The man got a big chuckle out of this & with a big grin, patiently let him examine each kind until he was satisfied with his choice. Although I had a hard time getting him to put it in his candy bag for the next house!!
With the new year of 2012, my resolution is cliche, lose weight & get healthier. As a defense, I had a baby, but I am so ready to be normal again. I did not mean that my whole family get sick from one end of the house to the other!!! Yet, this is how we start the new year, with a stomach flu. My poor son was vomiting for hours in the wee hours of the morning. He is so exhausted, and one bout of sickness passes, he lays his head down & looks to me & with a half smile starts reciting a scene from one of his favourite movies, waiting for me to fill in my parts. He never lost his sense of humor, this child. Which is a thing to treasure, as he was the one to be the worse sick & the longest. Once feeling better, he got his head stuck in his shirt trying to take it off & accidentally flung himself down to the hard floor.... very hard. The next day he was suddenly sick again & not eating or drinking. Ahhh, this boy never catches a break!! I finally got some sips into him & yesterday realized he's teething his molars now! It's never one thing at a time, but fifty. My little Elsa was only sick for one evening, but so young, I almost had to take her to the pediatric emergency unit for dehydration, but came around eating at the end, just in time. As everyone is saying... 'oh, this is just the beginning, you'll be doing this for say... 18 to forever years!'
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